Today I went to the grocery store but not to buy anything. I went to use the Coinstar machine and cash in on all my loose change. It takes a healthy cut of the loot--8.9 cents on every dollar to be exact, but I've learned to live with that. That's the price you pay playing games with a crime boss like Coinstar. It takes a cut, and I go on breathing. Everyone's happy. Maybe someday, someone will have the guts to take a stand against Coinstar's violent threats: "Coinstar will take 8.9 cents for every dollar. Would you like to proceed?" But, not me. Not now. I have to do my laundry.
I ended up with twenty-nine dollars, a car wash token, and a euro. I don't know where the euro came from because I've never been to Uruguay. (Relax people, I know that's a dumb joke. I chose to use it anyway. OK?)
I saw a pretty girl noticing me, and I was surprised at this because such things don't happen to me very often, as in I don't think this has ever happened to me before. I checked to see if I had wandered out in public in my bathrobe again because I remembered how that had caused people to look. I hadn't!!
As the slot machine-like sounds of Coinstar calculating my new shoe budget rang through the store, and more specifically, directly to her nearby, beloved discounted cereal tower, I thought to myself, "I think she's checking me out. I hope she's just not after me for my money." After some thought on this, I got the feeling that she didn't care about my money.
I wanted to talk to her, but despite what the tabloids say, I'm not good at that. So, I walked toward the registers to exchange my Coinstar receipt for real, live cash. She headed into produce, and we made eye contact for the third time.
After I left the comfort of the register, I decided to make a bold move and pretend to look at some bread. It was near the produce. I tried to look at bread convincingly, but it was difficult to do while carrying the large, oversized mug that I had used to haul my loose change into the store. It's hard to look natural carrying something in a grocery store that isn't a grocery. Fortunately, I got a cell phone call which helped me look more at ease as I walked toward the produce corner where she had been making an in-depth study of strawberries for some time.
I ended the phone conversation with something like, "I'll be there at six." Now I was in easy listening distance, and I wondered if I had sounded stupid. The phone conversation ended, and I saw that she was standing next to my favorite type of juice. It's pricey but delicious and good for you. Now, I was standing directly next to her trying to decide which juice to buy, even though I already knew it would be Green Goodness. She said, "I'm just trying to find some strawberries that aren't moldy." And I said the most brilliant set of words to ever be uttered by human lips in the history of conversation starting with the opposite sex--"Well, you have to have good strawberries." That's what I said. Then, when it was awkward and silent, I snatched a Green Goodness and moved toward the bananas.
"Well, that's that," I thought. It was over. I looked at a couple of other things since I was actually shopping now. I made my way to the registers again and got in line. Then, the most amazing thing happened. She got in line behind me! We smiled at each other, and she looked at the cover of People. I tried to think of something to say, but nothing came; awkwardness again as the cashier asked me how I was doing. I left the store. I left with some juice and bananas that I didn't particularly need, a large oversized mug with a euro and car wash token clinking around the bottom, and a hole in my heart. Looking back on those situations, the thoughts about what could've been said are inevitable. How about, "Well, it looks like you found some toothpaste that wasn't moldy. How'd the strawberries end up?" But in the moment, when the pressure is really on, with the rest of the grocery patrons in line watching and listening, all I came up with was a smile. At least we'll always have the produce section.
Posted by ryan at August 9, 2004 05:41 PMAfter a stressful morning of work it was very refreshing to run across this blog. Wow - you actually wrote this time.
"Well, you have to have good strawberries." - That was what put me over the top. I haven't snorted out-loud in my cubicle before so hopefully my co-workers thing everything is ok. I'm not sure why it struck me as funny but man what a laugh!
Just wanted to say Hi to you Ryan. It's good to have you back in cyberspace. Remeber the little people when you're rich and famous.
Posted by: scottyb at August 25, 2004 11:54 AMRyan - don't feel too bad. Let's take a look at her pick-up line:
"I'm just trying to find some strawberries that aren't moldy."
What a stupid thing to say! Yet, pretty girls say stupid things like that and get away with it all the time. Now that I'm married and don't have to worry about how I look and act because I don't need to try to impress girls any more, I can focus on actual feminine behavior and start to understand the nature of the beast.
For example, women like to instill fear into the hearts of men by propagating the "leave the toilet seat down" requirement. I am quite certain that some men have refrained from intimacy due to the fear of failing to fulfill the toilet seat requirement and imagining the consequences of non-compliance. Men have become so afraid that we have been unable to address the issue head-on and understand it in a logical, normal way - the way we look at all problems.
I have some breaking news to share to the world of men. There is no mystery behind the toilet seat requirement. Some of us have attempted to understand why it's so hard for women to pull the seat down when they need to go - men have to do it, too, when nature requires a sitting position. It's no big deal to us. Why is it such a problem for them? Well, I was lying in bed one night and heard my wife get up and go to the bathroom. A few seconds later, I heard a muffled yelp behind the bathroom door. When she came back, I asked what had happened. She said that I failed to leave the toilet seat down. Not understanding still, I went to sleep. The next evening, I walked down the hallway in the dark and noticed my wife in the bathroom. I asked what she was doing. She said she was going to the bathroom. "In the dark?!!" I asked. "Yes," she replied. "I don't really need any light to go to the bathroom."
Ah hah!! Suddenly it clicked: women need to have the toilet seat down because they go to the bathroom in the dark and don't check the seat before sitting down which leads to one of two possible outcomes -
- Falling into the toilet
- Sitting on cold porcelain
There are at least two very simple solutions to this problem:
- Turn the light on before peeing
- Check the seat before sitting down
The fact that women do neither of these leads us to a better understanding of the nature of women:
- Women do a poor job of explaining their behavior. I had to put the pieces together myself before I could fully understand the toilet seat requirement.
- Women like to blame men for stuff. This way, they can get the guy to feel guilty and can then get him to do more work around the house.
- Women do (or do not do) a lot of things in the bathroom that men may never completely figure out (because women keep the details of those activities a secret), but probably have good solutions for.
So, you really have no reason to be afraid of women. The forces that drive their behavior are simple - sometimes secret - but simple nonetheless.
Posted by: Elton Orme at August 30, 2004 11:53 AMThis belongs in some research journal somewhere.
Posted by: Ryan Hamilton at September 8, 2004 05:19 PM